we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
someone owes me an orgasm
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
