yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
