my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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