so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
