We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D