why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.