We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
