a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
