A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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