Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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