omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
