I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
