Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
