we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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