I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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