You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
