Who wears a wallet chain?!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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