Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize