The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
