this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
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my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
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We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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