Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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