I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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