i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
