Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
