he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
