i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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