he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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