Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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