I wish I only lived at night.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
