seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
