my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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