we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
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Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
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cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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