this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!