Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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