I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
