I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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