you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
