in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
