Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
