I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
