i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
