So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
