I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
