I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
