My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
