Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
