I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
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Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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