saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
