I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
