i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My liver just had a heart attack.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
