also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
