the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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