Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
