Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
